Is boudoir actually empowering?

TW: eating disorders

A photographer who I really admire recently posted that they don’t want the word boudoir any where near their business and posed the question as to whether boudoir was really empowering? Which I find a really interested question that I have thought a lot about. And I have mixed feelings about it. I obviously have chosen to keep boudoir in my business name, partly for practical marketing reasons, but also because I disagree with her, I do think boudoir can be empowering. And also at the same time, there are a lot of photographers out their that are not doing it in very empowering ways.

For instance, I find it extremely irritating when photographers say that you need hair and makeup in order for your photos to be beautiful. I hate it when photographers haven’t done their own work in thinking about how our society has defined beauty standards and instead of helping to undo them, they put in onto their clients without even realizing it. The other day I was in a Facebook group and a French photographer asked why the North America market retouches skin so much (he doesn’t), and someone responded “omg the people in your portfolio all look like models, they don’t need to be retouched” Yikes. They basically just very clearly stated that some people need to be retouched and some don’t. And I don’t think they even thought about it. So yes, some boudoir is problematic, for sure. But… that’s a problem in the entire photography industry as a whole. And I don’t think throwing the baby out with the bathwater is the answer. Furthermore, I think that their are numerous boudoir photographers who are doing amazing work in creating safe spaces. Some photographers have created an amazing sex positive and kink positive space. There are boudoir photographers who specialize in creating spaces for individuals to explore gender. Boudoir photographers who specialize in working with Black women. Boudoir photographers who are also somatic sex coaches and bring those two things together in really beautiful ways. So no, I don’t think we should discount the power of boudoir. And yes of course their are people who do it in problematic ways. But its not all boudoir (lol the way that is close to “it’s not all men” makes me cringe).

I also firmly believe that not everyone is ready to see their body in “unflattering” poses or unposed completely. Everyone is at different stages in their journey of learning to be able to see their body, and for some, seeing their body unposed is too much. And that’s okay. Five years ago doing a photoshoot with Forrest Leo Photos would have done more harm than good for me. I needed the step of posed to be flattering — however we want to define that— first. And I needed to have lot of them. Almost to prove to myself that my body could look like that. And that is okay. It’s okay to not be at the stage of seeing your body in “unflattering poses”. I had to see my body in “flattering” poses first (I keep putting that in quotes because its extremely subjective and I don’t think accurate but its the best term I can think of. “Flattering” here is defined as trying to get someone to fit a standard of beauty, that while we can recognize as patriarchal, as steeped in colonialism, and racism that we still may want to see because we have been so inundated with it. We are fucking human after all). If five year ago I had done an unposed session with Forrest, it would have sent me into a nasty downward spiral. My history with an eating disorder definitely shapes the way that I think about this. Because I also know the harm that pushing too far outside your comfort level can do. I know that it took a lot of work to get to the point of seeing myself in all sorts of movements and poses and not poses and being okay with it. And I know that now a photo where I see my body in maybe a way that is a little less flattering makes me laugh. But 5-10 year ago, it would have made me cry. It would have triggered restriction for days if not weeks. I don’t care how important I think it is to learn to see my body in all of its angles and poses, at that point in time, the harm that would have done was incredibly not worth it. And that’s okay. It’s okay to admit that I wasn’t quite there.  That maybe I needed to see images where I more closely fit into the standard definition of beauty that we have been told for so long is the goal. It’s okay to work in baby steps. It’s okay to recognize that you maybe aren’t quite there yet. It’s okay to recognize that you are human and that maybe unposed or poses not meant to be “flattering” may do more harm than good at this stage.

Should the goal be to get to the point where you can see your so called “flaws” and smile at them and see them as art? I think so. But maybe you aren’t quite there yet. And that is okay. You can recognize that it doesn’t serve you, that you want to disentangle yourself from it, that its roots are extremely problematic. And also recognize that you aren’t quite there. If you are working on it, if you are taking steps towards that, then find the photographer that is going to meet you where you are, push you a little out of your comfort zone, but isn’t going to push you into the deep end with no floaties.

So yes, I think that boudoir can be healing and empowering. I am glad that there are photographers who do edit more than I do and who pose more than I do, because for the people that need that, I want them to have that and have that be their safe space. And.. and.. and I want to be able to provide the space for the next step. For an in between space where some of my posing is a little more designed to allow you to see yourself in a light you wouldn’t normally see. And then some of it is much more relaxed. And lastly, if you are ready, to do unposed work.

And lastly, I think there is something to be said about seeing yourself in a sexual way. A lot of loosely posed or poses that are softer have a less overtly sexual aspect to them. And this can be beautiful. I firmly stand on the side of ‘nudity is not inherently sexual’ side of things and that it can be really beautiful to see yourself in that manner… and at the same time, I am also stubbornly on the side of ‘its okay if the nudity or partial nudity is sexual’. And that is often done with posing. I think it can be really healing to our sexual selves to see ourselves as sexual beings, and boudoir often allows for that. I actually think that erotica does this better, but I understand that that isn’t for everyone. So boudoir is that in between space. But I think it can be really empowering in a world that tells us we aren’t supposed to be sexual beings, to reclaim that.

So I will probably continue to call myself a boudoir photographer. I run things a little different than a lot of boudoir photographers, but I still think its the closest niche that I fit into. If done with thought and awareness it can be empowering. Just do me a favor and vet your photographers thoroughly and make sure that they are going to give you the experience that you want. Ask them about consent, ask them about beauty norms, ask them about how they edit and pose, ask them how they decide what makes a “good photo”. And if it aligns with what you’re looking for, then hire them! And if it doesn’t, keep looking.