Can we ever fully DISENTANGLE ourselves from the male gaze?

Beware, this post has way more questions than answers. I do not have any good answers for a lot of these questions but they have been rolling around in my head for a while so I figured I would share.

I have been thinking a lot about how we define sexy and how it has historically been defined by men. Typically been defined by the male gaze and performative actions that are catered to men. So the question I have been grappling with is how we define it for ourselves? Is it possible to ever fully disentangle ourselves from societies ideas of what sexy is supposed to look like? And just as importantly, what do we get by doing that?

I have been having this conversation with a lot of my friends and partner about art, but also about how each of us chooses to present ourselves to the world. Can we ever wear a slutty top just for ourselves? What about make-up? Or is there always some level of doing it for other people? Is there always a little bit of performance to it? Is that necessarily a bad thing?

How do we decide when we’re doing something as reclaiming it for ourselves? When is that action being used to reimagine a different social order in which what we wear doesn’t come with derogatory comments and ‘well she was asking for it’? And during what times, do we wear certain things because we think it is what being ‘sexy’ is supposed to look like?

I don’t have good answers for any of this. I have been thinking a lot about it terms of my own art and how I present myself, and the only somewhat answer I can give is the importance of intention and also being aware of both what I am doing and how it could be or potentially is performative. And checking in with myself to make sure that I do actually like what ever it is.

So how does this relate to art? Well I think boudoir is somewhat performative, more so depending on the style than others, but to a degree, boudoir is curated to have people look sexy as defined by our societal definition of ‘sexy’. And I don’t necessarily think that is a bad thing, when done consciously. And also with the mindset that that version of you, isn’t better than a non curated version. I think that seeing ourselves in that light can be really beautiful and empowering. But I also think it’s important to remember that it is a curated experience. That even as a feminist artist who is really intentional about my posing and philosophy, I am human and have been raised in this society. I don’t know if I can ever fully step out of this current set of ideas of what a ‘sexy’ photo looks like. What posing looks like. And I think it is also important to remember that this is a somewhat collaborative experience. The nature of your photos are also partially influenced by what your ideas of sexy and boudoir look like coming into a session. And this is part of the beauty of it. Because even though we have all been raised in one society, we still all have different ideas. It’s a beautiful and wonderful thing to watch all of the different ways that people take poses and prompts and embody them in varying ways.

I have realized that some of the boudoir photos I find the most striking are of queer women, and I think that partially comes out of the at least partial rejection of the male gaze that comes with being queer. That is not to say that straight women haven’t also done this, it just happens more consistently with queer women. And I think that is because there is a kind of freedom in dressing and presenting yourself for other women instead of men. And while my posing is pretty similar across people of varying gender identities and sexualities, everyone takes it different places depending on who they are. And I think queer women, have the habit of moving it away from the male gaze the most frequently. And this makes a lot of sense to me.

Many of the things that I used to pick a part on myself I have fallen in love with the farther I have gotten into exploring my queerness. And I think that is partially, because I see those things on other women and I am attracted to them. I think in realizing there are alternatives to what society has defined as attractive and sexy, I have given myself permission not just to give the people in front of me permission to step out of those stupid rules, but also given myself permission to love those things on myself.

So cheers to not having answers. I still don’t know how to define for myself where something is done for me, and when it is done because other people expect it of me. So cheers to more grappling with questions that boggle my brain.